"Etiquette" is a longish, Frenchy-looking word. It has three syllables and reminds people of forks. I believe this is why it has been all but abandoned in American society. But here's the thing: Etiquette, which in the U.S. really means "manners," is not really about forks. It's about making people feel comfortable. So it's a good idea to learn about some basic rules of etiquette.
Gifts
Gift-giving is not an obligation, nor should anyone ever expect to receive a gift. It's also not really cool to tell people what you want, because gift-giving is an expression of affection. When you give someone a gift, you are saying "I like you, and because I like you so much, I have selected this [insert gift here] because I believe you will enjoy it." When you tell someone what you want, you've reduced the message to "I like you, so I spent money on you." Now, if Auntie Frieda asks you what you want, it's probably OK to give her some suggestions, because what she's trying to say with her gift is, "I like you, but because we're not as close as I'd like us to be, I don't know what to give you, so I'm going to give you something you want in hopes of developing a closer relationship." Because gift-giving is a sign of affection, it's important that you receive gifts graciously, and also that you never demand gifts. Demanding gifts is one of the easiest ways to become an asshole. It's emotional blackmail, it's using your friends as ATMs and personal shoppers, and it's just rude. Don't ever do it. This is why you aren't supposed to throw yourself a party where gifts would be expected, and why if someone throws himself a party where gifts would traditionally be expected, you are well within your rights to assume that person doesn't want a gift, unless you know him to be an asshole. Accepting gifts graciously tells the gift-giver "I like you, too, and I appreciate that you've thought of me." That's why you have to be gracious even if the gift is something you totally hate. Not being gracious tells the gift-giver "I don't like you, so why did you get me this hideous thing?" This is also why you shouldn't just give out gifts willy-nilly to people you don't really know. It can be creepy and appear manipulative or like you're trying to "buy" friendship, since non-assholes have to pretend to like whatever this weird-ass thing you gave them is. So, when it comes to gifts, don't ask for them, accept them graciously, even if they're hideous, and reserve gift-giving for people you actually know well enough to be fairly sure they'll like what you got (or for special occasions, like weddings and birthdays).
Weddings
OMG, has there ever been more fertile ground for etiquette snafus than the modern American wedding? There are entire books and websites dedicated to this topic, so I'll try to distill it to the essentials: Your wedding is a day to celebrate your love of your spouse in front of the people you love and care about. Everything else--the wording of the invitations, the catering, the venue, the DJ--is incidental. Make a list of the people in your life whom you love and care about and who have been important in your lives both individually and together. Invite those people to the wedding. If that list is short enough that you can feed them all caviar and champagne without going into debt, then go for it. If it's so long you can only afford punch and cake, serve them that. But don't get so excited about the party that you lose sight of why you're having it. Don't be an asshole by alienating your friends or family because you (or your spouse or your mother-in-law) have to have the "perfect" day. It's not about a dress, or flowers, or a vacation, or a fairy tale. It's about your love and commitment reaching the point where you want to declare it to the people who matter most to you. Don't turn it into a circus (unless you're into that sort of thing). Also, be gracious about gifts. While it is traditionally proper to give a gift at a wedding, it is not required, nor should you expect gifts just because you're getting married. And absolutely do not get your panties in a bunch because the price of a gift did not match what you paid for each person's dinner. This makes you an asshole. Remember, it's not about the party; it's about the commitment. If you can't come to terms with that, you probably shouldn't get married at all.
Other parties
Traditional etiquette states that you shouldn't throw yourself a party where gifts are expected (such as a birthday or housewarming party) and even your relatives shouldn't throw you any sort of shower (baby, bridal or otherwise) because it makes it seem like you're demanding gifts. I think that in today's world, if a person wants to throw himself a birthday or housewarming party, that's fine, but the guests should assume that he doesn't want gifts, because it's rude to assume someone is an asshole, even if he is. Now, if you attend the birthday party sans gift and don't get invited to the next party he throws for himself, you know that person is an asshole. As far as showers go, I do think it's best that they be thrown by a non-relative so it doesn't seem like a gift-grab. If the bride- or mother-to-be has no friends who will throw a shower, the family can throw a non-shower "congratulations" or "welcome baby" party. Because gifts are expected at a shower, but not at a non-shower party, guests won't feel pressured to bring a gift, so it won't look like a gift grab (and guests who are close to the guests of honor can always bring a gift if they choose to do so).
Thank-yous
It's always polite to say thank you. It tells the person who has given you something or done something nice for you that you acknowledge and appreciate their thoughtfulness, and that you plan to reciprocate (which you should do if you don't want to be an asshole). The thank-you note appears to have gone the way of the dinosaur, and in today's society, I think most people will make do with a heartfelt verbal thanks or an email. But you should say thank you in some way whenever someone does something nice for you. And for a formal event (wedding, baby shower, bar mitzvah, etc.), it's always a good idea to send an honest-to-god thank-you note. Not only does a thank-you tell the gift-giver that you appreciate their thoughtfulness, but hearing that you like (or at least use) the gift is part of the fun of gift-giving. Telling Uncle Joe that you and your husband are looking forward to using the waffle iron he gave you for your wedding for brunch next Sunday makes Uncle Joe feel special and close to you, because he got you something you liked. It makes the gift-giving a positive experience for both of you, and what kind of asshole would want it to be anything else?
RSVP
People don't appear to know what RSVP means anymore. It means "repondez, s'il vous plait," which is French for "please respond." To put it more bluntly, it means, "tell me whether or not you are coming, asshole." Seriously, it is super assholish to not RSVP to an invitation, and we've ALL done it before. When people invite you to an event, they are planning on feeding and/or entertaining you in some way (unless they are assholes). But if you don't RSVP, how can they know how much food/cake/drinks to make? How can they know how many party hats to buy? When people invite you to do something, they are making an effort to do something special, and they want you to be there because they like you (or want to get to know you better). They are spending time and/or money on the event. Unless you want to be an asshole, you must let them know whether or not you are coming, by the deadline they have specified, so they don't spend time and/or money on you in vain. Do you like it when you spend time and money on something that never happens or someone who never shows? Of course not. Why assume anyone else would like it? Now, people are sometimes flexible with their RSVPs. For example, if you say you are coming to a party but your spouse isn't, and at the last minute your spouse can make it, you can call the hosts and ask them if he can still come. But they have every right to say no. If you say you are coming but you get sick or in an accident or your kid gets sick, or some other emergency comes up that you absolutely cannot ignore, you can bail on the event even though you RSVP'd yes, but you MUST call the hosts and tell them you aren't coming (unless you are legitimately unable). They'll understand (unless they're assholes) and they'll appreciate that you let them know in advance. You cannot, however, bail at the last minute because something more exciting came up, or just for no reason at all. That makes you an asshole. You cannot bring more people than you RSVP'd for. If you called the hosts and asked if you could bring a guest, and they said yes, you can bring a guest. But if you said you are coming and didn't mention anyone else, you can't bring anyone else.
Everyday
In your everyday life, the most important etiquette rule to remember is to be polite, even if you encounter an asshole. If someone is an asshole to you, that person is an asshole, and there's nothing you can do about it. But if you are an asshole back, then you, too are an asshole, and that just adds to the problem. While it can be hard not to be rude to an asshole, it's not rude to disengage, to refuse to react to or acknowledge someone who is being an asshole. You don't have to be nice, but you don't have to be rude, either. And if you are lucky enough not to encounter an asshole, be polite to the people you do encounter. Be kind and courteous to your friends and others. Don't be demanding. Consider other people's feelings before you say or do something. Be polite to people in the service industry. Be polite to everyone you come across. If you make an effort to be polite--or at least civil--to everyone, then people who insist on being assholes look like even bigger assholes. People around you will notice their assholishness and disapprove. And slowly, ever so slowly, we might be able to reduce the overall number of assholes in this world. And what asshole wouldn't want to do that?
Thursday, August 26, 2010
Wednesday, August 25, 2010
Follow traffic laws
Yeah, yeah, I know, traffic laws make driving so BORing. But they're there for a good reason. We're all driving giant hunks of metal at high speeds, which is an inherently dangerous activity. One way to reduce the danger of that activity is to let the other drivers around you know what the hell you're about to do. So sure, go five miles over the limit, but try to follow some basics so you don't get anyone killed
STEP 1: USE YOUR FUCKING TURN SIGNAL
This means you. Yes, you. All the time. You can't not use it just because you're in a turn-only lane, because there are stupid people out there who will still go straight, and if your signal's not on, how do I know you aren't one of those people. Use your signal when turning, passing or changing lanes. Use it when pulling out of or into driveways and parking spaces. Use it BEFORE executing these maneuvers. It's not hard. It's right there by your hand and it takes less than a second to turn it on. Just do it!
STEP 2: Learn how to navigate a roundabout
This is a serious problem where I live. The city installed three or so roundabouts in the last decade, and no one has any idea how to use them. I'd say I nearly get hit by a car incorrectly using the roundabout 50 percent of the time I have to go through one. So let me outline the basics. When you approach the roundabout, there are two lanes. The left lane is for people who are NOT turning right. The right lane is ONLY for people who ARE turning right. Similarly, there are two lanes within the roundabout. The right lane is ONLY for people who are making an IMMEDIATE RIGHT TURN. ONLY! The left lane, which encircles the pretty flowerbed or sculpture or whatever your municipality has plunked in there, is ONLY for people who are going STRAIGHT through the roundabout or making a LEFT TURN. Here's the part that confuses people: UNLESS YOU ARE MAKING A RIGHT TURN FROM THE RIGHT LANE IMMEDIATELY AFTER ENTERING THE ROUNDABOUT, YOU MUST EXIT THE ROUNDABOUT FROM THE LEFT LANE. You cannot get into the right lane as you leave the roundabout. That lane is for people making a right turn from the right lane. Seriously, this should not be difficult, but it is.
STEP 3: If your municipality allows right turns on red, TURN FOR THE LOVE OF GOD!
Execute a turn from the right lane of your street into the right lane of the street you are turning on after coming to a complete stop. Do not wait for two or three or six lanes of traffic to empty out so you can turn right into the left lane. ESPECIALLY do not wait for two or three or six lanes of traffic to empty out so you can turn right into the right lane. If there is more than one lane on the road you are turning onto, you do not have to wait for people at the left turn signal across from you to finish their turns before making your turn, even if they have a protected left turn. They have the right-of-way coming into the left lane, not the right lane. The right lane is totally available for you to turn into. JUST DO IT!
STEP 4: Learn how to make a left turn
If the street you are turning onto has two lanes, you MUST turn into the left lane ONLY. Do not turn into the right lane. That is not your lane. It's for the asshole in front of me who should be turning right but is too afraid he's going to be rammed by your dumb ass. This applies even if you have a protected left turn signal. If you are at an unprotected left turn signal, pull into the intersection to wait for a break in traffic. If you pull into the intersection, even if there's never a break in traffic when the light is green, you get to make your turn when the light turns red (or even yellow, if oncoming traffic stops during the yellow). That way the 83 cars behind you have a shot at actually making it through this godawful intersection in their lifetimes. If they're lucky, the guy behind you can even pull into the intersection to wait, and then you can both go! Joy!
STEP 5: Get in the right lane if you're not passing
If you aren't passing someone or about to turn left, you have no reason to be in the left lane. Get out of the left lane. Let someone faster than you use it. Yes, someone on the road is driving faster than you. It does not mean you have a tiny penis. Move over. People in California do this all the time. The right lane is wide open for miles, and 30 angry men in BMWs are all crammed into the left lane, furious that they can't get around whoever's in the front.
STEP 6: Don't take 8 million years to pass someone on the highway
This is also a SERIOUS problem where I'm from. Some guy in a Buick will be going 75 mph, and some soccer mom in an SUV will decide to pass him at 75.000001 mph. Meanwhile, about 40 other cars would all like to go 76, or even 80. But can we? No, because soccer mom can't POSSIBLY speed up for five seconds, get around the Buick guy and let the other 40 cars get to where they're going IN THIS CENTURY.
STEP 7: Don't speed up when someone tries to pass you
Seriously, if you wanted to go as fast as I'm going, I wouldn't have caught up to you and tried to pass you four times already. Just because I pass you doesn't mean you have a small penis or a shitty car or anything like that. It just means I want to drive faster. That's OK. Let me get around you.
STEP 8: Pay attention
I'm not going to say you should never talk on your cell phone while driving, because I know plenty of people who can do it without it affecting their driving. However, if you CAN'T talk on your cell without it affecting your driving, HANG UP! Consider the situation as well. Sure, you can gab with your friend on a straight, deserted highway with the cruise control on (and if it'll keep you awake, maybe you should), but in town, especially if there's traffic or you plan on executing a turn anytime in the near future or you can't monitor your speed while talking, hang up and call them back later. There's seriously nothing that's so important it can't wait a few minutes (and if it IS that important, maybe you should find a place to pull over anyway so you can focus on the phone call). I am going to say you shouldn't text while driving, because you do have to take your eyes off the road to text, which means you aren't paying attention. Same goes for reading, browsing the internet, watching movies, putting on makeup, or conversation, if you can't talk to someone without looking them in the eye.
STEP 9: Don't drive while intoxicated (or super tired)
Seriously, just don't. You can't focus as well on the road, you're more likely to make a bad decision, and your reaction time is probably slowed. You're increasing the chance you'll be in an accident, and even if you don't hurt anyone else, there are people out there who love you and don't want to see you get hurt, even if you are an asshole.
So what's the overall lesson here? Pay attention, learn how to execute "complex" maneuvers and be courteous. You are hurtling down a concrete highway in a death machine, so taking steps toward safety is a good idea. Will there be more road-related lessons for not being an asshole? You can be certain of it. But while I'd like to make combating assholishness my full-time job, I unfortunately have a life.
STEP 1: USE YOUR FUCKING TURN SIGNAL
This means you. Yes, you. All the time. You can't not use it just because you're in a turn-only lane, because there are stupid people out there who will still go straight, and if your signal's not on, how do I know you aren't one of those people. Use your signal when turning, passing or changing lanes. Use it when pulling out of or into driveways and parking spaces. Use it BEFORE executing these maneuvers. It's not hard. It's right there by your hand and it takes less than a second to turn it on. Just do it!
STEP 2: Learn how to navigate a roundabout
This is a serious problem where I live. The city installed three or so roundabouts in the last decade, and no one has any idea how to use them. I'd say I nearly get hit by a car incorrectly using the roundabout 50 percent of the time I have to go through one. So let me outline the basics. When you approach the roundabout, there are two lanes. The left lane is for people who are NOT turning right. The right lane is ONLY for people who ARE turning right. Similarly, there are two lanes within the roundabout. The right lane is ONLY for people who are making an IMMEDIATE RIGHT TURN. ONLY! The left lane, which encircles the pretty flowerbed or sculpture or whatever your municipality has plunked in there, is ONLY for people who are going STRAIGHT through the roundabout or making a LEFT TURN. Here's the part that confuses people: UNLESS YOU ARE MAKING A RIGHT TURN FROM THE RIGHT LANE IMMEDIATELY AFTER ENTERING THE ROUNDABOUT, YOU MUST EXIT THE ROUNDABOUT FROM THE LEFT LANE. You cannot get into the right lane as you leave the roundabout. That lane is for people making a right turn from the right lane. Seriously, this should not be difficult, but it is.
STEP 3: If your municipality allows right turns on red, TURN FOR THE LOVE OF GOD!
Execute a turn from the right lane of your street into the right lane of the street you are turning on after coming to a complete stop. Do not wait for two or three or six lanes of traffic to empty out so you can turn right into the left lane. ESPECIALLY do not wait for two or three or six lanes of traffic to empty out so you can turn right into the right lane. If there is more than one lane on the road you are turning onto, you do not have to wait for people at the left turn signal across from you to finish their turns before making your turn, even if they have a protected left turn. They have the right-of-way coming into the left lane, not the right lane. The right lane is totally available for you to turn into. JUST DO IT!
STEP 4: Learn how to make a left turn
If the street you are turning onto has two lanes, you MUST turn into the left lane ONLY. Do not turn into the right lane. That is not your lane. It's for the asshole in front of me who should be turning right but is too afraid he's going to be rammed by your dumb ass. This applies even if you have a protected left turn signal. If you are at an unprotected left turn signal, pull into the intersection to wait for a break in traffic. If you pull into the intersection, even if there's never a break in traffic when the light is green, you get to make your turn when the light turns red (or even yellow, if oncoming traffic stops during the yellow). That way the 83 cars behind you have a shot at actually making it through this godawful intersection in their lifetimes. If they're lucky, the guy behind you can even pull into the intersection to wait, and then you can both go! Joy!
STEP 5: Get in the right lane if you're not passing
If you aren't passing someone or about to turn left, you have no reason to be in the left lane. Get out of the left lane. Let someone faster than you use it. Yes, someone on the road is driving faster than you. It does not mean you have a tiny penis. Move over. People in California do this all the time. The right lane is wide open for miles, and 30 angry men in BMWs are all crammed into the left lane, furious that they can't get around whoever's in the front.
STEP 6: Don't take 8 million years to pass someone on the highway
This is also a SERIOUS problem where I'm from. Some guy in a Buick will be going 75 mph, and some soccer mom in an SUV will decide to pass him at 75.000001 mph. Meanwhile, about 40 other cars would all like to go 76, or even 80. But can we? No, because soccer mom can't POSSIBLY speed up for five seconds, get around the Buick guy and let the other 40 cars get to where they're going IN THIS CENTURY.
STEP 7: Don't speed up when someone tries to pass you
Seriously, if you wanted to go as fast as I'm going, I wouldn't have caught up to you and tried to pass you four times already. Just because I pass you doesn't mean you have a small penis or a shitty car or anything like that. It just means I want to drive faster. That's OK. Let me get around you.
STEP 8: Pay attention
I'm not going to say you should never talk on your cell phone while driving, because I know plenty of people who can do it without it affecting their driving. However, if you CAN'T talk on your cell without it affecting your driving, HANG UP! Consider the situation as well. Sure, you can gab with your friend on a straight, deserted highway with the cruise control on (and if it'll keep you awake, maybe you should), but in town, especially if there's traffic or you plan on executing a turn anytime in the near future or you can't monitor your speed while talking, hang up and call them back later. There's seriously nothing that's so important it can't wait a few minutes (and if it IS that important, maybe you should find a place to pull over anyway so you can focus on the phone call). I am going to say you shouldn't text while driving, because you do have to take your eyes off the road to text, which means you aren't paying attention. Same goes for reading, browsing the internet, watching movies, putting on makeup, or conversation, if you can't talk to someone without looking them in the eye.
STEP 9: Don't drive while intoxicated (or super tired)
Seriously, just don't. You can't focus as well on the road, you're more likely to make a bad decision, and your reaction time is probably slowed. You're increasing the chance you'll be in an accident, and even if you don't hurt anyone else, there are people out there who love you and don't want to see you get hurt, even if you are an asshole.
So what's the overall lesson here? Pay attention, learn how to execute "complex" maneuvers and be courteous. You are hurtling down a concrete highway in a death machine, so taking steps toward safety is a good idea. Will there be more road-related lessons for not being an asshole? You can be certain of it. But while I'd like to make combating assholishness my full-time job, I unfortunately have a life.
Oh my god, they're everywhere!
The world is full of assholes. In fact, you're probably an asshole at least some of the time (I know I can be). But there are some people in the world, whether through ignorance or downright rudeness,who are assholes most of the time. For those of you who may be ignorant, I'm here to help. For those of you who are rude, well you can just fuck right off.
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