Follow traffic laws

Yeah, yeah, I know, traffic laws make driving so BORing. But they're there for a good reason. We're all driving giant hunks of metal at high speeds, which is an inherently dangerous activity. One way to reduce the danger of that activity is to let the other drivers around you know what the hell you're about to do. So sure, go five miles over the limit, but try to follow some basics so you don't get anyone killed

STEP 1: USE YOUR FUCKING TURN SIGNAL
This means you. Yes, you. All the time. You can't not use it just because you're in a turn-only lane, because there are stupid people out there who will still go straight, and if your signal's not on, how do I know you aren't one of those people. Use your signal when turning, passing or changing lanes. Use it when pulling out of or into driveways and parking spaces. Use it BEFORE executing these maneuvers. It's not hard. It's right there by your hand and it takes less than a second to turn it on. Just do it!

STEP 2: Learn how to navigate a roundabout
This is a serious problem where I live. The city installed three or so roundabouts in the last decade, and no one has any idea how to use them. I'd say I nearly get hit by a car incorrectly using the roundabout 50 percent of the time I have to go through one. So let me outline the basics. When you approach the roundabout, there are two lanes. The left lane is for people who are NOT turning right. The right lane is ONLY for people who ARE turning right. Similarly, there are two lanes within the roundabout. The right lane is ONLY for people who are making an IMMEDIATE RIGHT TURN. ONLY! The left lane, which encircles the pretty flowerbed or sculpture or whatever your municipality has plunked in there, is ONLY for people who are going STRAIGHT through the roundabout or making a LEFT TURN. Here's the part that confuses people: UNLESS YOU ARE MAKING A RIGHT TURN FROM THE RIGHT LANE IMMEDIATELY AFTER ENTERING THE ROUNDABOUT, YOU MUST EXIT THE ROUNDABOUT FROM THE LEFT LANE. You cannot get into the right lane as you leave the roundabout. That lane is for people making a right turn from the right lane. Seriously, this should not be difficult, but it is.

STEP 3: If your municipality allows right turns on red, TURN FOR THE LOVE OF GOD!
Execute a turn from the right lane of your street into the right lane of the street you are turning on after coming to a complete stop. Do not wait for two or three or six lanes of traffic to empty out so you can turn right into the left lane. ESPECIALLY do not wait for two or three or six lanes of traffic to empty out so you can turn right into the right lane. If there is more than one lane on the road you are turning onto, you do not have to wait for people at the left turn signal across from you to finish their turns before making your turn, even if they have a protected left turn. They have the right-of-way coming into the left lane, not the right lane. The right lane is totally available for you to turn into. JUST DO IT!

STEP 4: Learn how to make a left turn
If the street you are turning onto has two lanes, you MUST turn into the left lane ONLY. Do not turn into the right lane. That is not your lane. It's for the asshole in front of me who should be turning right but is too afraid he's going to be rammed by your dumb ass. This applies even if you have a protected left turn signal. If you are at an unprotected left turn signal, pull into the intersection to wait for a break in traffic. If you pull into the intersection, even if there's never a break in traffic when the light is green, you get to make your turn when the light turns red (or even yellow, if oncoming traffic stops during the yellow). That way the 83 cars behind you have a shot at actually making it through this godawful intersection in their lifetimes. If they're lucky, the guy behind you can even pull into the intersection to wait, and then you can both go! Joy!

STEP 5: Get in the right lane if you're not passing
If you aren't passing someone or about to turn left, you have no reason to be in the left lane. Get out of the left lane. Let someone faster than you use it. Yes, someone on the road is driving faster than you. It does not mean you have a tiny penis. Move over. People in California do this all the time. The right lane is wide open for miles, and 30 angry men in BMWs are all crammed into the left lane, furious that they can't get around whoever's in the front.

STEP 6: Don't take 8 million years to pass someone on the highway
This is also a SERIOUS problem where I'm from. Some guy in a Buick will be going 75 mph, and some soccer mom in an SUV will decide to pass him at 75.000001 mph. Meanwhile, about 40 other cars would all like to go 76, or even 80. But can we? No, because soccer mom can't POSSIBLY speed up for five seconds, get around the Buick guy and let the other 40 cars get to where they're going IN THIS CENTURY.

STEP 7: Don't speed up when someone tries to pass you
Seriously, if you wanted to go as fast as I'm going, I wouldn't have caught up to you and tried to pass you four times already. Just because I pass you doesn't mean you have a small penis or a shitty car or anything like that. It just means I want to drive faster. That's OK. Let me get around you.

STEP 8: Pay attention
I'm not going to say you should never talk on your cell phone while driving, because I know plenty of people who can do it without it affecting their driving. However, if you CAN'T talk on your cell without it affecting your driving, HANG UP! Consider the situation as well. Sure, you can gab with your friend on a straight, deserted highway with the cruise control on (and if it'll keep you awake, maybe you should), but in town, especially if there's traffic or you plan on executing a turn anytime in the near future or you can't monitor your speed while talking, hang up and call them back later. There's seriously nothing that's so important it can't wait a few minutes (and if it IS that important, maybe you should find a place to pull over anyway so you can focus on the phone call). I am going to say you shouldn't text while driving, because you do have to take your eyes off the road to text, which means you aren't paying attention. Same goes for reading, browsing the internet, watching movies, putting on makeup, or conversation, if you can't talk to someone without looking them in the eye.

STEP 9: Don't drive while intoxicated (or super tired)
Seriously, just don't. You can't focus as well on the road, you're more likely to make a bad decision, and your reaction time is probably slowed. You're increasing the chance you'll be in an accident, and even if you don't hurt anyone else, there are people out there who love you and don't want to see you get hurt, even if you are an asshole.

So what's the overall lesson here? Pay attention, learn how to execute "complex" maneuvers and be courteous. You are hurtling down a concrete highway in a death machine, so taking steps toward safety is a good idea. Will there be more road-related lessons for not being an asshole? You can be certain of it. But while I'd like to make combating assholishness my full-time job, I unfortunately have a life.