What is this "etiquette" thing you speak of?

"Etiquette" is a longish, Frenchy-looking word. It has three syllables and reminds people of forks. I believe this is why it has been all but abandoned in American society. But here's the thing: Etiquette, which in the U.S. really means "manners," is not really about forks. It's about making people feel comfortable. So it's a good idea to learn about some basic rules of etiquette.

Gifts
Gift-giving is not an obligation, nor should anyone ever expect to receive a gift. It's also not really cool to tell people what you want, because gift-giving is an expression of affection. When you give someone a gift, you are saying "I like you, and because I like you so much, I have selected this [insert gift here] because I believe you will enjoy it." When you tell someone what you want, you've reduced the message to "I like you, so I spent money on you." Now, if Auntie Frieda asks you what you want, it's probably OK to give her some suggestions, because what she's trying to say with her gift is, "I like you, but because we're not as close as I'd like us to be, I don't know what to give you, so I'm going to give you something you want in hopes of developing a closer relationship." Because gift-giving is a sign of affection, it's important that you receive gifts graciously, and also that you never demand gifts. Demanding gifts is one of the easiest ways to become an asshole. It's emotional blackmail, it's using your friends as ATMs and personal shoppers, and it's just rude. Don't ever do it. This is why you aren't supposed to throw yourself a party where gifts would be expected, and why if someone throws himself a party where gifts would traditionally be expected, you are well within your rights to assume that person doesn't want a gift, unless you know him to be an asshole. Accepting gifts graciously tells the gift-giver "I like you, too, and I appreciate that you've thought of me." That's why you have to be gracious even if the gift is something you totally hate. Not being gracious tells the gift-giver "I don't like you, so why did you get me this hideous thing?" This is also why you shouldn't just give out gifts willy-nilly to people you don't really know. It can be creepy and appear manipulative or like you're trying to "buy" friendship, since non-assholes have to pretend to like whatever this weird-ass thing you gave them is. So, when it comes to gifts, don't ask for them, accept them graciously, even if they're hideous, and reserve gift-giving for people you actually know well enough to be fairly sure they'll like what you got (or for special occasions, like weddings and birthdays).

Weddings
OMG, has there ever been more fertile ground for etiquette snafus than the modern American wedding? There are entire books and websites dedicated to this topic, so I'll try to distill it to the essentials: Your wedding is a day to celebrate your love of your spouse in front of the people you love and care about. Everything else--the wording of the invitations, the catering, the venue, the DJ--is incidental. Make a list of the people in your life whom you love and care about and who have been important in your lives both individually and together. Invite those people to the wedding. If that list is short enough that you can feed them all caviar and champagne without going into debt, then go for it. If it's so long you can only afford punch and cake, serve them that. But don't get so excited about the party that you lose sight of why you're having it. Don't be an asshole by alienating your friends or family because you (or your spouse or your mother-in-law) have to have the "perfect" day. It's not about a dress, or flowers, or a vacation, or a fairy tale. It's about your love and commitment reaching the point where you want to declare it to the people who matter most to you. Don't turn it into a circus (unless you're into that sort of thing). Also, be gracious about gifts. While it is traditionally proper to give a gift at a wedding, it is not required, nor should you expect gifts just because you're getting married. And absolutely do not get your panties in a bunch because the price of a gift did not match what you paid for each person's dinner. This makes you an asshole. Remember, it's not about the party; it's about the commitment. If you can't come to terms with that, you probably shouldn't get married at all.

Other parties
Traditional etiquette states that you shouldn't throw yourself a party where gifts are expected (such as a birthday or housewarming party) and even your relatives shouldn't throw you any sort of shower (baby, bridal or otherwise) because it makes it seem like you're demanding gifts. I think that in today's world, if a person wants to throw himself a birthday or housewarming party, that's fine, but the guests should assume that he doesn't want gifts, because it's rude to assume someone is an asshole, even if he is. Now, if you attend the birthday party sans gift and don't get invited to the next party he throws for himself, you know that person is an asshole. As far as showers go, I do think it's best that they be thrown by a non-relative so it doesn't seem like a gift-grab. If the bride- or mother-to-be has no friends who will throw a shower, the family can throw a non-shower "congratulations" or "welcome baby" party. Because gifts are expected at a shower, but not at a non-shower party, guests won't feel pressured to bring a gift, so it won't look like a gift grab (and guests who are close to the guests of honor can always bring a gift if they choose to do so).

Thank-yous
It's always polite to say thank you. It tells the person who has given you something or done something nice for you that you acknowledge and appreciate their thoughtfulness, and that you plan to reciprocate (which you should do if you don't want to be an asshole). The thank-you note appears to have gone the way of the dinosaur, and in today's society, I think most people will make do with a heartfelt verbal thanks or an email. But you should say thank you in some way whenever someone does something nice for you. And for a formal event (wedding, baby shower, bar mitzvah, etc.), it's always a good idea to send an honest-to-god thank-you note. Not only does a thank-you tell the gift-giver that you appreciate their thoughtfulness, but hearing that you like (or at least use) the gift is part of the fun of gift-giving. Telling Uncle Joe that you and your husband are looking forward to using the waffle iron he gave you for your wedding for brunch next Sunday makes Uncle Joe feel special and close to you, because he got you something you liked. It makes the gift-giving a positive experience for both of you, and what kind of asshole would want it to be anything else?

RSVP
People don't appear to know what RSVP means anymore. It means "repondez, s'il vous plait," which is French for "please respond." To put it more bluntly, it means, "tell me whether or not you are coming, asshole." Seriously, it is super assholish to not RSVP to an invitation, and we've ALL done it before. When people invite you to an event, they are planning on feeding and/or entertaining you in some way (unless they are assholes). But if you don't RSVP, how can they know how much food/cake/drinks to make? How can they know how many party hats to buy? When people invite you to do something, they are making an effort to do something special, and they want you to be there because they like you (or want to get to know you better). They are spending time and/or money on the event. Unless you want to be an asshole, you must let them know whether or not you are coming, by the deadline they have specified, so they don't spend time and/or money on you in vain. Do you like it when you spend time and money on something that never happens or someone who never shows? Of course not. Why assume anyone else would like it? Now, people are sometimes flexible with their RSVPs. For example, if you say you are coming to a party but your spouse isn't, and at the last minute your spouse can make it, you can call the hosts and ask them if he can still come. But they have every right to say no. If you say you are coming but you get sick or in an accident or your kid gets sick, or some other emergency comes up that you absolutely cannot ignore, you can bail on the event even though you RSVP'd yes, but you MUST call the hosts and tell them you aren't coming (unless you are legitimately unable). They'll understand (unless they're assholes) and they'll appreciate that you let them know in advance. You cannot, however, bail at the last minute because something more exciting came up, or just for no reason at all. That makes you an asshole. You cannot bring more people than you RSVP'd for. If you called the hosts and asked if you could bring a guest, and they said yes, you can bring a guest. But if you said you are coming and didn't mention anyone else, you can't bring anyone else.

Everyday
In your everyday life, the most important etiquette rule to remember is to be polite, even if you encounter an asshole. If someone is an asshole to you, that person is an asshole, and there's nothing you can do about it. But if you are an asshole back, then you, too are an asshole, and that just adds to the problem. While it can be hard not to be rude to an asshole, it's not rude to disengage, to refuse to react to or acknowledge someone who is being an asshole. You don't have to be nice, but you don't have to be rude, either. And if you are lucky enough not to encounter an asshole, be polite to the people you do encounter. Be kind and courteous to your friends and others. Don't be demanding. Consider other people's feelings before you say or do something. Be polite to people in the service industry. Be polite to everyone you come across. If you make an effort to be polite--or at least civil--to everyone, then people who insist on being assholes look like even bigger assholes. People around you will notice their assholishness and disapprove. And slowly, ever so slowly, we might be able to reduce the overall number of assholes in this world. And what asshole wouldn't want to do that?